In a recent blog post, I reflected on the psychological dynamics of change processes, considering a change on a spectrum from normal to traumatic. I considered a change in the light of healthy and unhealthy coping strategies and considered the ways in which transition phases can be disruptive of our lives, as well as highly life-enhancing, maturational opportunities. I focused on aspects of self-care, which I suggested can support us through periods of transition.
In this post, I will focus specifically on the relationship between our thoughts and our own maturational, transitional capacity. I will consider the kinds of reflection-based actions that can enhance maturation and transition, comparing these with the thought patterns that disrupt the transition.
The ordinary life of a human being is overrun with change experiences, many of which are the consequence of reality, as we are confronted with the changing external world. Reality-based changes require particular mental responses; inner adjustments which we can make in order to enable and enhance our navigation of the change process. Through the course of my work as a psychotherapist, I have become aware of the thought processes - some of them obvious and some less so, which disrupt our capacity to evolve through life.
To begin with, and most obviously, is our sense of self-esteem. In the context of human life as a moving phenomenon, self-esteem needs to be thought about in terms of who we are, where we are, and how we are, at this exact moment in time. In this place of being, where we are exactly who we are, neither a past version of ourselves nor a hoped-for future version, we are confronted with the challenge of acceptance. I believe, and I see this often in my work, that our self-esteem is linked with our capacity to radically accept the facticities of ourselves and of our lives. The phenomenologist Martin Heidegger spoke of the idea of being there, in that place of thrownness into the world. We are located in our lives, inside a range of facts about our existence… colour, politics, cultural inheritance, family-relational phenomena, feelings inside ourselves about ourselves, bodily constraints – these facts about our life confront us with a profound challenge that is our relationship with the facts of our life and reality. I encourage a conscious effort and intention towards radical acceptance. Leaning into our lives, as the Acceptance and Commitment Therapists would suggest, is a hugely beneficial and self-esteem-enhancing mental act. Our capacity to accept and support ourselves in the current moment of being is essential for our movement through the course of a changing inner and external world. As difficult as it might be, and regardless of whether we cannot actually manage to do this, it is vital to set a conscious intention towards radical acceptance of the now, as this supports self-care, inner compassion, and self-esteem.
A second essential element to our navigation of change relates to our use of our imagination through the course of life. Our lives are often made more difficult and challenging by images which we have of an idealized future self; a better-than-me version of ourselves that we aspire towards. This form of aspiration is, I believe, different to a healthier and more peaceful feeling of hopefulness and motivation towards a richer, fuller and more integrated life. The yearning for the ideal self grows out of an inner non-acceptance. It is also an example of a disruption at the level of our capacity to use our imagination to support our growth. Typically, the ideal self is a singular version of ourselves. It is a self, possessed of specific traits, skills, and acquisitions. It is a status quo of perfection, and it stays inside us like a haunting presence, reminding us of how far we haven’t come. I suggest that this represents a disruption at the level of the imagination because it is a singular representation of ourselves, that does not change on the inside. There is no flexibility attached to it; no openness to imagining a different version of ourselves that might appear spontaneously, through the course of our lives in response to our changing needs, desires and sense of what is meaningful. The use of our imagination is in the service of transitioning through change, as it frees us up to consider that a) the future does not equal the past, b) the future is not yet determined… I am free to change my mind about how I would like it to be, and c) I am able to make meaning out of the facts of my life that are not tied down to the facts themselves. It seems clear to me that the free imagining of untold possibilities, together with a radical acceptance of the me that I am now, could aid us in navigating a change process in a way that is personally derived, spontaneous, and coheres with our values.
A third mental attitude which I believe aids our capacity to transition through change relates to the one-step-forward-two-steps-backness of life. It can be painful, anxiety-arousing, and even humiliating for us when we feel that our progress is thwarted, gains are lost, and we are back where we started. In addition, we respond to periods of a plateau in life in a manner which is often internally condemning and judgmental. I see this very often in my work and have become aware of how difficult it can be for us as human beings to tolerate the fluctuations and upheavals in our evolution. I believe that it is extremely important to set an intention to respond to periods of regression and stasis in a self-respecting and self-honouring manner. We are just trying our best. Life is sometimes just a bit shit. It’s not all that easy being human. With this in mind, I believe that the acceptance of counter-evolutionary periods in life is essential, and is a form of kindness and internal compassion which lends itself to authentic, organic development. The over-interpretation of regression and stasis as signs of failure, weakness or incapacity is harmful to us. People often describe this as a sense of being caught out as the fraud which they fear they really are, and this can contribute to feelings of anxiety, a lack of enthusiasm, and despair. I suggest that an attitude of respect and care for our stuckness in life is essential, and I believe that this supports our capacity to pick ourselves up off the floor and try again. Growth becomes possible once again.
The attitudes of self-acceptance, the engagement of the imagination, and respect for the facts of regression and stasis in life, I suggest, are necessary ingredients for the healthy and successful navigation of change.
In Part 3 of the discussion on change and growth, I will reflect on transition and maturation as I would frame them in a psychotherapeutic process.
Over ‘n out.
B
